Cutting Losses, Kochs to Sell Scott Walker

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WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “things just didn’t work out,” the billionaire Koch brothers have decided to put Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker up for sale.

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The Kochs, who earlier had purchased Gov. Walker with great fanfare, announced their plan to sell the politician in a terse statement from Koch Industries headquarters in Wichita.
“Scott Walker is a fine individual, and we wish him well,” the Kochs’ statement read. “We are confident that he will be a good fit for some other billionaire industrialists.”

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Republican insiders, however, called the Kochs’ plan to sell Walker highly optimistic, and noted that the market for the Wisconsin Governor was, at this point, virtually nonexistent.

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The Kochs, who reportedly had been frustrated by Walker’s poor performance in the polls, finally decided to sell the Wisconsinite after last weekend’s odd pronouncement, in which he seemed to support a border wall with Canada.

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According to a Koch associate, “Ignorance has always been a part of Scott’s appeal, but that Canada thing was just too much.”

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After their plan to sell him was announced, the Kochs immediately pulled Walker off the campaign trail for fear that he might say something that would further reduce his dwindling market value.

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In Iowa, an aide to Walker said that the Governor was “still processing” the news that he had been put up for sale. “It takes a while for Scott to understand things,” the aide said.

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Opening Tip Off is on Sept. 13

basketball and sneakers-1

Here is an invitation from SS Peter & Paul RC Church in the village of Williamsville:

Come join us for the weekly Sunday night recreational basketball games starting September 13th from 7:30 – 9:30 p.m. in the school gym.

Teams are determined based on whoever shows up and by bringing both a white and dark colored shirt we can intermix into balanced teams.

We call our own fouls and have a mixture to 20 through 50+ year-olds and women are welcome.

So if you have young legs or run at a slower pace we welcome you to a night full of exercise.

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Defend Yourself ~ Get Your Flu Shot!

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Don’t let the flu bug get you down.

SS. Peter & Paul church is hosting a flu shot clinic.

  • No out-of-pocket cost to you!
  • Please bring your insurance card if insured
  • Administered by registered nurses
  • Easy & convenient

Tuesday, October 6
11:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.
SS Peter & Paul Church
5480 Main Street
Williamsville, NY 14221

Appointments are required
To make an appointment call HealthConnection at (716) 447-6205

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Bills Release Fred Jackson

ORCHARD PARK, NY– The Buffalo Bills announced Monday they have cut Running Back Fred Jackson.

Jackson, who played 10 years with the Bills, was among 12 players who were cut from the roster.

Bills GM Doug Whaley issued the following statement:

“Today, we had to make the difficult decision to release Fred Jackson. He had an incredible career for this organization for the past 10 years. We thank Fred for his hard work, dedication and leadership during his tenure with the Buffalo Bills. Fred has inspired the city of Buffalo in a number of ways. Fred and his family have been dedicated to this community and we can’t thank them enough for their contributions through his career.”
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Nation with Crumbling Bridges and Roads Excited to Build Giant Wall

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the United States’ bridges, roads, and other infrastructure dangerously deteriorate from decades of neglect, there is a mounting sense of urgency that it is time to build a giant wall.

Across the U.S., whose rail system is a rickety antique plagued by deadly accidents, Americans are increasingly recognizing that building a wall with Mexico, and possibly another one with Canada, should be the country’s top priority.

Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a Washington-based think tank called the Center for Responsible Immigration, believes that most Americans favor the building of border walls over extravagant pet projects like structurally sound freeway overpasses.

“The estimated cost of a border wall with Mexico is five billion dollars,” he said. “We could easily blow the same amount of money on infrastructure repairs and have nothing to show for it but functioning highways.”

Congress has dragged its feet on infrastructure spending in recent years, but Dorrinson senses growing support in Washington for building a giant border wall. “Even if for some reason we don’t get the Mexicans to pay for it, five billion is a steal,” he said.

While some think that America’s declining infrastructure is a national-security threat, Dorrinson strongly disagrees. “If immigrants somehow get over the wall, the condition of our bridges and roads will keep them from getting very far,” he said.

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Sheriff of Amherst’s Building Boom Retires After 32 Years

Amherst Building Commissioner Tom Ketchum, 62, has some pro-jects waiting for him at home.
Amherst Building Commissioner Tom Ketchum, 62, has some pro-jects waiting for him at home. 

Oversaw construction worth nearly $4 billion

When Tom Ketchum walked out of his little corner office for the last time Friday, it marked the end of an era in the Town of Amherst.

Ketchum, 62, is retiring after more than three decades as building commissioner for a town that’s been synonymous with building and development. For 32 years, Ketchum had a front row seat – acting as the building sheriff, of sorts – while nearly $4 billion worth of construction rose from the ground in Amherst.

Ketchum has been involved in his share of development controversies – battles with angry residents, lawsuits filed by disgruntled developers.

There is one controversy that still bothers him: the sinking homes in the northern section of town.

“Probably the one that gave me the most consternation was the whole soil and foundation issue that we had back around 2003,” Ketchum said. “It’s always been a little bit of a disappointment that we couldn’t come up with a financial solution for the existing housing stock to help the people out. The problem, in general, is you can’t use public money to fund repairs to private dwellings.”
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Former Church Thief Again Sought by Suburban Police

Amherst Police w flag

After confessing four years ago that he had helped himself to church collections, a former church usher was sentenced to six months in jail. But that sentence apparently didn’t lead to repentance, according to local police.

The same man now is suspected of recently raiding offertory boxes in at least two suburban churches.

John E. Wheeler, 53, whose last known address was Kenmore, is sought by Amherst and Town of Tonawanda police, who are investigating larcenies at St. Gregory the Great and St. Christopher’s Catholic Churches, respectively.

A security camera captured images of a man, believed to be Wheeler, inside the church the night of June 29, when a chapel offertory box was broken into. Between $40 and $50 was stolen, said Charles Cohen, Amherst assistant police chief.
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How Can Water-Rich WNY Tap Into Fiscal Opportunity?

Every time HealthNow President David Anderson looks out the windows of his eighth-floor office in downtown Buffalo, he sees something he believes could be a major economic resource for Western New York: the waters of Lake Erie.
Every time HealthNow President David Anderson looks out the windows of his eighth-floor office in downtown Buffalo, he sees something he believes could be a major economic resource for Western New York: the waters of Lake Erie. 

Economic development officials are looking at ways to pitch the availability of the region’s sustainable resource to lure water-dependent companies

The Buffalo area’s economic ties to water are long ones. Among the key celebrations of the 1901 Pan American Exposition was electricity generated by the region’s hydropower.

Yet many watercentric companies have shuttered, and there are some who believe the region is not doing enough to tap into its proximity to an abundant supply of water and bring back jobs and people.

When David Anderson moved from California to Buffalo a couple of years ago, local business leaders recall their first conversation with him about how to improve the region’s economy.

“He said to buy a ticket and get on a plane to California and say to people there, ‘We have water,’ ” recalled Dottie Gallagher-Cohen, president of the Buffalo Niagara Partnership, the area’s biggest business promotion group.

As disruptive droughts rage in the West and around the world, Anderson is someone who has lived through water shortages. Now as a resident of a Great Lakes state, he sees the economic development possibilities available to places such as Western New York, thanks to its abundant access to water.
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Cross-endorsements Expected to Hand Judgeships to Colaiacovo and Sedita

Emilio Colaiacovo  Frank Sedita III
Emilio Colaiacovo                Frank A. Sedita III

Party leaders assure picks with ‘cross-endorsements’

We said it was coming and it is.

Sometime in late September, Democrat Party Chairman Jeremy J. Zellner and Republican Chairman Nicholas A. Langworthy will sit down to once again consummate an annual ritual of Western New York politics.

And when they shake hands to end their meeting, the chairmen of Erie County’s two major political parties are expected to “cross-endorse” each other’s candidates for State Supreme Court – essentially guaranteeing their elections.

This year, the process plays an even larger role because of the candidates Zellner and Langworthy are expected to select.

For the Republicans, the favorite is divorce attorney Emilio Colaiacovo, 39, a party stalwart who for years has handled much of the local GOP’s election law issues.

For the Democrats, Erie County District Attorney Frank A. Sedita III, 54, is expected to be the Democratic choice, despite criticism over his reluctance to prosecute election law violations and to pass on some homicide cases picked up by state and federal prosecutors.

Both party chairmen say they are open to cross-endorsement of their judicial candidates.
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The Campaign That Never Was: Fumbling the Green Line

No Polo Palm

When last we tuned into the Adventures of Poloncarz and Zellner Taking Over the Green Party, our intrepid exploiters were ready to snatch the fourth ballot line from the pathetic local Greens all over Erie County.   Their Opportunity to Ballot (OTB) on the Green line petitions were due to be filed last Thursday.   Then something happened no one could have anticipated.  Out of the blue,  Green Party County Executive candidate Eric Jones received word that Poloncarz was not going to file his County Executive OTB Green petition.    On Sunday Jones issued the following statement: “I’m thankful that the County Executive decided not to file his petitions, but we are still fighting some OTB’s in other races.  In future elections you are going to see more Greens running for office locally, so it will be harder for the Democrats and Republicans to manipulate our line. ”    It is likely that Poloncarz, facing unexpected stiff resistance to his Green OTB efforts, was unwilling to risk an embarrassing defeat in a race he never needed to enter.    Looks like his Green Party palm cards are instant collector’s items.

ECDC headquarters did file their Loughran Green OTB petition in County Legislature District 5, so Republican Guy Marlette is now faced with a decision on whether he supports Green registered, but Republican designated, Lynette Batt or ask Greens to vote for him in a race which he never wanted to enter.    Jones says the Green Party has no real stake in District 5.   Supporters of County Legislature District 3 incumbent Peter Savage III cannot help but notice that their guy respected the Green’s principles from day one and now Peter is one of the few people in Erie County facing a Green opponent.  As a popular incumbent, Savage is likely to stroll back into office regardless of Green opposition, but his situation raises a valid point.   For Marlette, facing a tight race against an incumbent, this is an important concern.    Ideological purity is lovely in the abstract, but, in the real world, people want to get elected.    It looks like Democratic headquarters’ misguided efforts have made the Green line a thorn in its own side.   From  now on it’s like having Ralph Nader running against every local Democratic candidate for dog catcher, siphoning off votes which would otherwise go to the Dems.    In the future, Republicans may routinely run Green registered candidates on the Green Line to vex the Democrats and raiding and infiltration of the Green Party will likely become a growth industry.

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