Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy

May 24, 2018
Satire from The Borowitz Report

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.

In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.

The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.

Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”

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Letter to the Editor

May 24, 2018

Self-centered developers do not make good neighbors

There is an ugly dilemma in Western New York, like a rotten apple in the “City of Good Neighbors.” It has to do with certain local developers. Once their plans are presented, there is little room for compromise, no matter the logic or wishes of others.

They care little about anything else: people, the importance of nature, animals, beautiful old neighborhoods, history or scientific facts. They are not good neighbors and don’t care how they stress others or the physical commotion caused by construction in an already settled community or areas needed for nature.

They have convinced themselves that we need whatever plans they are trying to sell to our politicians, some of whom are their gutless enablers, allowing them to break rules, established for the common good.

After all, our obnoxious developers have an office to run, employees and taxes to pay, possibly a building to maintain and their attack-dog lawyer to support.

Is this how wise and fair decisions are made in Buffalo? Based on one person’s financial interests?

On a trip down South last year, when a man passed me on the sidewalk and realized I was from up North, he said, “Your developers are a nuisance, trying to tell us what to do.” I replied, “Yeah, I understand, we need to tell them, don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

He must have had a recent poor experience, for him to speak up like that. There needs to be an answer to this nonsense.

Judy Catalano
Buffalo

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Trump Calls Off Meeting With North Korea’s Kim

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N.F.L. Adds First Amendment to List of Banned Substances

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The National Football League has expanded its list of banned substances to include the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, the league confirmed on Wednesday.

Although the N.F.L. has long banned substances such as anabolic steroids and growth hormones, the First Amendment is believed to be the only right guaranteed by the Constitution to be included on the list.

Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, said that, by adding the First Amendment to the list of banned substances, the N.F.L was establishing a “policy of zero tolerance on tolerance.”

In order to enforce the ban, Goodell said that players would be tested periodically to determine whether they had used words, gestures, or facial expressions that are strictly prohibited under the new rule.

Speaking at the White House, Donald Trump applauded the league for banning the approximately seventeen hundred N.F.L. players from exercising freedom of speech, and expressed hope that the ban could eventually be expanded to include the other three hundred and twenty-five million Americans.

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Noco Seeks to Open Car Wash in Amherst Near ECC North Campus

May 24,2018
Noco Energy Corp. plans to build a car wash on the site of this former Getty gas station at 6164 Main St. in Amherst and two neighboring parcels. The project would require a rezoning for the adjoining parcels. (Stephen T. Watson/Buffalo News)
Noco Energy Corp. plans to build a car wash on the site of this former Getty gas station at 6164 Main St. in Amherst and two neighboring parcels. The project would require a rezoning for the adjoining parcels.

Noco Energy Corp. wants to build a car wash on the site of a former Getty gas station in Amherst across from the Erie Community College North Campus.

The property at 6164 Main St. is one of three parcels at the northeast corner of Main and Youngs Road that Noco would build on, said Ellen Kost, Amherst’s assistant planning director.

The former Getty gas station property is zoned appropriately for the project, but a house directly to the north at 15 Youngs Road and a vacant parcel directly to the east at 6172 Main must be rezoned from residential to motor services, Kost said.
Read more…

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Plymouth Crossroads 8th Annual Golf Tournament

August 13th – Links At Ivy Ridge
The early bird registration cost of the tournament is $110 up to July 13th, after this registration costs $130. This includes;

  • Lunch on the turn
  • Scramble contests: Longest Drive, Closest to the Pin, Closest to the Line, and more!
  • A chicken dinner beginning at 5:30 pm  We are also in need of donated items for raffle baskets and sponsorships for our golf tournament in August. Please email Gyasi, for more information on how to donate or sponsor our event!
  • You can register for the event by downloading the registration form HERE and sending it to Plymouth Crossroads or emailing Gyasi at Gycurry@plymouthcrossroads.org! Individuals also have the choice of paying for golf only($75) or attending our dinner ($35) which will include a silent auction and an alumni speaker. Interested in printing out a flyer to hang up in your office, neighborhood, or even gym? Click here!

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Trump Says There Are Many Other Koreas He Could Meet With

May 23, 2018
Satire from The Borowitz Report

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seemingly downplaying the importance of his planned June 12th summit with the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that there were “many other Koreas” he could meet with.

“I know Kim Jong Un thinks North Korea deserves my attention, but the fact is that there are many, many other Koreas,” he said.

Trump made his comment while seated next to the South Korean President, Moon Jae-in, who appeared startled by the remark.

“There are so many fine Koreas right now,” Trump went on. “Big Koreas. Little Koreas. Beautiful, shiny Koreas. New Koreas are being discovered every day.”

In an apparent jab at Kim, Trump said that he planned on meeting with “only the best Koreas.”

“I’m going to have my people draw up a list of the finest Koreas, and, quite frankly, I don’t know if North Korea would make the top ten,” Trump said.

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Richie Incognito Reportedly Threw Dumbbell At Gym Patron, Held For Mental Evaluation

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Morgan Relatives Among 4 Indicted in $167M Mortgage Fraud Scheme

James Tricoli
Editor of the amhersttimes.com
The article below is from the Buffalo News

A federal grand jury Tuesday returned a 62-count indictment accusing two Erie County men and two men from Monroe County of giving lenders false rent rolls and using other tactics to make it look as though apartments had more income than they did.

Frank Giacobbe, 43, of Amherst; Patrick Ogiony, 34, of Buffalo; Kevin Morgan, 42, of Pittsford; and Todd Morgan, 29, of Rochester; were each charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud and bank fraud, and substantive wire fraud and bank fraud charges, the U.S. Attorney’s Office said.

 

Some of the defendants will be arraigned on Wednesday afternoon before U.S. Magistrate Judge H. Kenneth Schroeder.

If convicted, they each face a maximum of 30 years in prison.
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Trump Posed in Photo With Pedophile George Nader for $189,000 RNC Donation

May 23, 2018

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