Integrity Disqualifies Sanders for White House

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’s potential bid for the 2016 Presidency was declared over, on Monday, before it even began, because of a key feature of the American political system that makes a person with integrity ineligible for the White House.

According to some experts, the electoral system has developed a number of safeguards over the past few decades to prevent someone with independence and backbone from occupying the Presidency.

“Bernie Sanders’s failure to become a member of either major political party excludes him from the network of cronyism and backroom deals required under our system to be elected,” said Davis Logsdon, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota. “Though that failure alone would disqualify Sanders, the fact that he is not beholden to a major corporate interest or investment bank would also make him ineligible.”

Because of his ineligibility, Logsdon said, the Vermont Senator would be unable to fund-raise the one billion dollars required under the current system to run for President. “The best source of a billion dollars is billionaires, and Sanders has alienated them,” he said. “Clearly he didn’t think this through.”

Logsdon said that Sanders might persist in his quest for the White House despite his ineligibility but that such an effort would be doomed to fail. “Our political system has been refined over the years specifically to keep people like Bernie Sanders out of the White House,” he said. “The system works.”

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Andy’s Take On the News

Sarah Palin

The fact that Sarah Palin was involved in a drunken snowmobile brawl is the least shocking thing about her. The most shocking thing about her is that a major political party nominated her to be Vice President.

We’ve talked about Sarah Palin far too much. May we please change the subject to Mark Sanford?

As far as this ISIS mission goes, I feel that as soon as we figure out who we’re fighting, who we’re helping, who’s helping us, and how to tell one from the other, we’re golden.

Who are John McCain’s guests on Meet the Press today?  Answer #1: ISIS reps, to thank him for his prior support and ask for more.  Answer #2:  Chuck Todd and David Gregory, I think.
by Andy Borowitz

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Pope to Marry Couples With Kids, Who Are Cohabiting

pope francis

Pope Francis is making good on his insistence that the Catholic Church welcome all faithful – not just those who obey church teaching perfectly. He’ll marry 20 couples this weekend, including some who already live together and those with children, technically a sin in the eyes of the church.

Sunday’s mass wedding in St. Peter’s Basilica was timed to coincide with the start of a major two-year study by the Vatican of a host of issues affecting family life, including premarital sex, contraception and divorce. No major changes in church teaching are foreseen, but Francis has made clear that he wants people in “irregular” partnerships to feel fully a part of the church.

The diocese of Rome, which is organizing the ceremony, said the 20 couples being married range in age from those in their mid-20s to those in their 50s and include “those who are already living together, those who already have children, those who met in church.”
Read more…

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Obama Unable to Sleep After Learning Limbaugh Liked His Speech

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama has had two sleepless nights since learning that Rush Limbaugh praised his speech about Iraq and Syria this week, a White House source confirmed on Saturday.

According to the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, the President has been unable to sleep since Limbaugh complimented him on the air and has been seen pacing back and forth in the Oval Office in a way that aides described as “worrisome.”

“When he heard that [House Speaker John] Boehner and [Senate Minority Leader Mitch] McConnell liked his speech, he seemed to take that in stride,” the source said. “But this Limbaugh thing has pushed him over the edge.”

After midnight on Friday, the source said, a member of the White House cleaning staff entered the Oval Office and found President Obama in his bathrobe and pajamas, staring at himself in a mirror.

“What have I done?” the President reportedly said to himself.

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Mosquito Or Drone ?

This Is  Not A Mosquito!!

Look  closely………………..Incredible

This Is  Not a Mosquito!! Look  closely………………..Incredible

  Have you  ever wished you could be a fly on the wall to spy on what’s going on or being said?  How about being a mosquito  instead!

No, this isn’t a real mosquito. It’s an insect spy drone for urban areas, already in production, funded by the US  Government.

   It can be remotely controlled and is equipped with a camera and a microphone.

   It can  land on you, and even has the potential to take a DNA sample or leave RFID tracking nanotechnology on your skin.

   It can fly  through a slightly open window, or it can attach to your clothing until you unwittingly take it into your home.

 It can then be guided to the top of a curtain or other invisible location where it can scope entire rooms  and monitor everything being  said.

   Given  their propensity to request macro-sized drones for surveillance, one is left with little doubt that the government has big plans for these micro gadgets.

(And to think we were worried about West Nile virus!)

And now you know why our government wants the law changed to allow drone surveillance  in the United States.

   This is a great example of what THIS administration is doing to control every aspect of your privacy, your freedom, your health care  and your finances!!!

   It’s time  for a major housecleaning in Washington.

   Are naive enough to think we aren’t headed for total government control of the American population?  If  you’re paying attention to what’s happening, you know what to  do!

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Obama Unable to Sleep After Learning Limbaugh Liked His Speech

For those of you who are undecided whether expanding the US mission in the Middle East is a good idea: Rush Limbaugh thinks it’s a good idea.

Photo: Obama Unable to Sleep After Learning Limbaugh Liked His Speech

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White House Vows to Use Every Synonym for War Against ISIS

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid some confusion as to whether it had, in fact, declared war on ISIS, on Friday afternoon, the White House attempted to clarify matters by vowing to use “every synonym for war at our disposal.”

After the Secretary of State John Kerry asserted that the United States was not at war, only to be contradicted later by the White House’s statement that it was, the White House spokesman Josh Earnest held a press conference to state that “no synonyms for war have been taken off the table.”

“Yes, this is a war,” Earnest said. “But it is also a conflict, a campaign, a struggle, a fracas, and, if you will, a melee.”

The spokesman said that there was no contradiction between Kerry’s position and the White House’s on the matter. “Though Secretary Kerry said that there was no war and we said that there was a war, we’re all on the same page in saying that there will be hostilities,” he said.

Earnest added that, over the next few days, the White House will determine what to call the enemy: ISISISIL, the Islamic State, or something else entirely.

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Biggest Ethnic Group of Buffalo Area? German, and it is Oktoberfest

oktoberfest beer steins

Most ethnic groups in Buffalo know how to celebrate culture in a big way.

Some 50,000 people, if not more, crowd along Delaware Avenue for the St. Patrick’s Day parade, polka dance near the Central Terminal on Dyngus Day, and take over a stretch of Hertel Avenue for the nation’s second-largest Italian street festival in July.

But the biggest German celebration?

Waldfest drew 6,000 over two days this summer at Spring Garden Park near East Aurora.

The disparity seems more striking given that German roots run deep in this area. German ranks as the most common first ancestry in Erie and Niagara counties. One in six Erie County residents claim German as their first ancestry, according to the Census Bureau’s American Community Survey. And in Niagara County, it’s almost one in five.

So come festival time, wo ist jeder? Translation: Where is everybody?

“It’s been cooler to be Irish and Italian. It hasn’t always been cool to be German-American,” said Herbert Schmidt, business manager of Buffalo’s German American Musicians Association.

But for the next several weeks, people will be kicking up their heels and raising their steins at Oktoberfests in Hamburg, Buffalo, Clarence and Williamsville.
Read more…

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Williamsville Superintendent, Board Face Lawsuit by Suspended Administrator

Dr. Scott Martzloff

A top human resources administrator for Williamsville Central Schools claims the district superintendent and the Board of Education violated her right to free speech when they placed her on paid administrative leave last month.

Kim Kirsch, the assistant superintendent for human resources, notified the school district this week that she plans to sue over what she claims was a retaliatory decision to place her on leave after she brought complaints about Superintendent Scott Martzloff to a School Board member.

Kirsch’s suspension is one example cited by union leaders in the district of what they claim has been “retaliatory behavior” and “favoritism” by Martzloff. Two unions, which represent teachers and principals but not Kirsch, have pressed the Board of Education to conduct an independent investigation into their complaints.
Read more…

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Poll: U.S. Military Action in Middle East Bound to End Well

Middle east war

by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON – A new poll released on Friday indicates broad support for new U.S. military action in the Middle East, with a majority of Americans agreeing with the statement, “This is the kind of thing that usually ends well.”

Among the features of the proposed military action that received high marks in the poll, an “undefined coalition,” “unspecified price tag,” and “no exit strategy” were all seen as encouraging ingredients for success. Additionally, the respondents agreed that identifying exactly who the moderate faction is in a Middle Eastern civil war is “the kind of thing the United States is really good at.”

Overall, the poll reflected the American people’s optimism about the latest U.S. involvement in the Middle East, with seventy-one percent agreeing with the statement, “What could possibly go wrong?”

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