Trump Says Sun Equally to Blame for Blocking Moon

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attacking the media for its “very unfair” coverage of Monday’s solar eclipse, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that the sun was equally to blame for blocking the moon.

“The fake news is covering the eclipse from the sun’s side instead of the moon’s side, but if you look at it from the moon’s side the sun is blocking the moon’s side,” he said. “There are so many sides you can’t count all the sides.”

Additionally, Trump tore into the sun itself, calling it a “showboat” for its role in the solar eclipse.

“The sun thinks the world revolves around it,” Trump said. “Sad.”

Trump said the sun was a “big problem” that his predecessor, Barack Obama, did nothing to solve, but that that situation was about to change.

“It will be handled—we handle everything,” Trump said, adding that a preëmptive military strike on the sun was “very much on the table.”

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Williamsville to Mill and Repave 12 Streets This Month

A dozen streets in the Village of Williamsville will be milled and repaved this month, officials said.

They are:

  • Two alleyways between Eagle Street and Swan Place;
  • Belmont Place, between Mill and Evans streets;
  • Chalmers Street, between N. Ellicott and Evans streets;
  • Edward Street, between Mill and N. Ellicott streets;
  • Glen Avenue, between North Long and Reist streets;
  • Highland Drive, between Oakgrove and Wehrle drives;
  • Hirschfield Drive, between Oakgrove and Scott drives;
  • Mill Street, from Main Street to the village line;
  • Ellicott Street, between Eagle Street and Belmont Place;
  • Park Drive, between Oakgrove Drive and Main Street;
  • Reist Street, between Main Street and the Glen Avenue extension; and
  • Stanton Street, between Mill and North Ellicott streets.

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Amherst Planning Board Vote Spells Trouble for Proposed Northtown Center Hotel

The Amherst Planning Board recommended denying the rezoning request for a proposed Hampton by Hilton hotel at the Northtown Center. (Mark Mulville/Buffalo News)
The Amherst Planning Board recommended denying the rezoning request for a proposed Hampton by Hilton hotel at the Northtown Center.

An $11 million hotel planned for the Northtown Center faces an uncertain future after the Amherst Planning Board on Thursday night recommended denying the rezoning change required for the project to move forward. The vote was 6-1.

The Town Board will make the final decision on the zoning change, and it can overrule the opinion of the Planning Board.

But several members of the Planning Board were clear Thursday in saying they thought Amherst already had too many hotels in the area surrounding the Northtown Center and the University at Buffalo North Campus. And they were reluctant to give up 3 acres of green space to make way for the hotel.

“There are several hotels on the other side of UB that haven’t been built yet,” Planning Board member Mary Shapiro said.
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Kilts Optional at Scottish Festival This Weekend

Hammers will be thrown and cabers tossed during the Buffalo Heavies Highland Games, a highlight of this weekend’s 33rd annual Buffalo Niagara Scottish Festival.

The festival opens at 10 a.m. both days at Buffalo Niagara Heritage Village, 3755, Tonawanda Creek Road, Amherst.

Other highlights includes entertainment by Red Hot Celtic Night, fiddler Mari Black, piper Craig Munro of the Red Hot Chili Pipers and guitarist Bill Craig of the Irish Rovers.

Celtic and pipe bands also perform both days. New this year is a piping and drum competition on Saturday, in the solo and band categories.

Admission is $13 for adults, $11 for military and seniors, $10 for Heritage Village members, and free for children 12 and under.

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Steve Bannon is Leaving the White House


WASHINGTON — Controversial White House chief strategist Steve Bannon’s final day working in the West Wing is Friday. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders issued a statement to the press pool describing the move as a mutual decision between Bannon and White House chief of staff John Kelly earlier in the day.

“White House chief of staff John Kelly and Steve Bannon have mutually agreed today would be Steve’s last day. We are grateful for his service and wish him the best,” Sanders said.

The official word from the White House came after a slew of reports about Bannon’s departure. According to a New York Times report published shortly before Sanders’ statement, President Trump “told senior aides that he has decided to remove” Bannon. ABC News and other outlets reported that Bannon had already resigned.

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Controversy Over Confederate Statues Inspires Betsy DeVos to Google Civil War

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The raging controversy over Confederate statues has impelled Betsy DeVos to Google the Civil War, the Education Secretary confirmed on Thursday.

“People have been going on and on about the Civil War, and I was like, Betsy, what the heck are they talking about, exactly?” DeVos told reporters. “After a certain point, I decided I just had to Google it.”

DeVos said that she was glad that she Googled the Civil War, calling it “an extremely fascinating chapter in American history that people need to find out about.”

“Like President Trump has been saying, the Civil War had sides to it,” she said. “Although I don’t think it had many sides. I only counted two.”

DeVos said that, prior to Googling the Civil War, she believed that parents should have a choice as to whether or not their children learned history in the nation’s schools, “but now I’m starting to rethink that.”

“I guess you might say I’ve gotten bitten by the history bug,” DeVos said, adding that she was about to Google Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and George Washington.

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See How the Solar Eclipse Will Look From Anywhere in the U.S.

The 2017 total solar eclipse is fast approaching, and hordes of sky gazers are scrambling to find a spot where they can see the shadow of the moon completely obscure the sun for a few moments on Aug. 21.

There’s technically plenty of room for every American to pack into the narrow zone from Oregon to South Carolina where the total blackout will occur, shown on this eclipse map. But most of the country will be moored in a place where they will see only a partial eclipse, which occurs when the moon will block anywhere from nearly the entire sun to just a slice of it.

So we decided to create a simulation of the eclipse (above) that shows a view of the sky from any location in the U.S., allowing you to see what the eclipse will look like from anywhere. Here’s what it will look like from Goreville, Illinois, a town of 1,067 lucky people where the eclipse will last for the longest period, over two-and-a-half minutes.
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Snyder’s Brian Gatewood Hits it Big in Hollywood … twice

Brian Gatewood is the co-creator of “Dice” and “Comrade Detective.” (via Brian Gatewood)

When he was a teenager in Western New York, Brian Gatewood racked up late fees at video stores because he couldn’t part with the films and TV shows on time.

His love of films and TV has paid off with a writing career in Hollywood that has led to two television series being on the air simultaneously starting Sunday night.

The 1996 Nichols School graduate is co-creator with his writing partner, Alessandro Tanaka, of the Amazon series “Comrade Detective.” He and Tanaka also are writers on “Dice,” the Showtime series featuring Andrew Dice Clay that starts its second season Sunday night.

Gatewood’s love of film and TV started when he lived in Snyder.
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Muir Woods Stalled by Amherst Planning Board

Muir Woods

The Amherst Planning Board on Thursday night voted to stall action on Ciminelli Real Estate Corp.’s planned Muir Woods subdivision until further study is conducted on the project’s effect on traffic in the area.

The move is likely to please neighbors who came out to Thursday’s board meeting to criticize the developer’s plan for the 133-home subdivision in the town’s northwest corner.

“This mindless development needs to stop,” Judy Ferraro, a resident and regular critic of what she considers overdevelopment in Amherst, said prior to the vote.

The 4-3 vote came at the urging of board member Mary Shapiro, who asked the Planning Board to send the Muir Woods application back to the Town Board for a new traffic study.
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KKK Leader Threatens To ‘Burn’ Black Latina Journalist And Calls Her a ‘N*****’During Interview

Ilia Calderón, a journalist for Univision with African and Colombian heritage, interviewed KKK leader Chris Barker: YouTube/Univision Noticias
Emily Shugerman,The Independent

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