Andy Borowitz

by Andy Borowitz

UPDATE: Under Texas law, you can only vote if you have a legal ID or other proof of whiteness.

Senegal, one of the world’s poorest countries, conquered Ebola. But they had an advantage over us because they have no cable news networks.

So it seems like the key to conquering Ebola is keep the borders open but close CNN.

I don’t usually go in for conspiracy theories, but I believe that Ebola is a plot by a virus to prove that our government agencies are incompetent and our media idiotic.

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Amherst Budget Amendment Would Keep 3 Police Positions


A move to reduce the number of police officers in Amherst is getting some push back.

Supervisor Barry A. Weinstein’s tentative 2015 budget dropped the number of officers from 153 to 150, which doesn’t sit well with the other four Town Board members.

As a result, Councilmembers Guy R. Marlette, Mark A. Manna, Steven D. Sanders and Ramona D. Popowich have co-sponsored an amendment to have those three positions put back into next year’s spending plan.

Weinstein proposed a reduction in the police roster based on a vacancy, a year-end retirement and a pending retirement. The supervisor said he felt comfortable with a 150-member force, which is what the department is operating with now.

But in the end, Weinstein said, it’s up to what the majority of the board wants. Adding the three positions back into the budget won’t impact the bottom line, he said, based on estimated savings elsewhere.
Read more…

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Global Frackdown in Buffalo, NY Saturday Oct. 18th at 11 a.m

no fracking sign

Bidwell Park (Elmwood Ave. & Bidwell Parkway Buffalo 14222)
Across the street from the farmer’s market

Saturday, October 18 — will you take a stand against fracking in Buffalo? The Global Frackdown is a massive day of international protests against fracking. It’s a day for us to come together — to unify as New Yorkers and as members of our global community — to demand an end to the dirty and dangerous practice of fracking. Join the Global Frackdown in Buffalo!In Buffalo we’ll rally to tell Governor Cuomo that he mustn’t frack with our future and instead invest in renewable energy in New York State. Along with the rally will be a community speak-out that welcomes the public to pick up the microphone and say a few words, or recite poetry or spoken word about the dangers of fracking.The day’s forecast currently rainy but our event will happen rain or shine. You may wish to bring an umbrella, poncho, or other rain gear. Attendees will be able to pick up free rally signs, literature, event handouts, and purchase an anti-fracking lawn sign at the information table any time during the event. Sign up for the speak-out will take place on a first-come, first-serve basis with a total of eight spots. We will be set up at the blue tent with the table, sound system & podium underneath.

Cosponsors include Sierra Club Niagara Group, PUSH Buffalo, NYPIRG at Buffalo State, Food & Water Watch, New Yorkers Against Fracking, Citizen’s Campaign for the Environment – Buffalo, WNY Peace Center, Western NY Drilling Defense, Protecting Our Water Rights (POWR), and Nurse Rise ~ Nurses for Safe Water.

The day’s schedule -

Press conference & rally:
Rita Yelda, Food & Water Watch
Zephyr Teachout, Fordham Law Professor & Gubernatorial candidate
Lynda Schneekloth, Sierra Club Niagara Group
Julia White, NYPIRG at Buffalo State
John Washington, PUSH Buffalo
Mary Herbst, RN & member of Concerned Health Professionals of NY
Meagan, PUSH Buffalo

Community Speak Out – 3 spots

Music & performance:
The Nickel City String Band

Community Speak Out – 3 spots

Music & performance:
My Rap Name is Alex
Dave Harter

Community Speak Out – 2 spots

Music & performance:
Tyler Westcott
Ismail & Company
Lauren Gay (dance)
Active Hope (dance)

Closing & thank yous

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Assembly Candidate Steve Meyer Speaks To Future Business Leaders

Steve<br /><br /><br /><br />Speaking

Steve Meyer, candidate for state Assembly in the 146th district, was the keynote speaker at the Future Business Leaders of America District 12 Fall Meeting. The event, hosted by Williamsville East High School also included students from FBLA chapters at Clarence and Eden High School.

“It was a real privilege to be invited to speak to these fantastic students and hopefully I was able to share my experience of public service and the value of giving back to your community,” Meyer said. “I decided to run for Assembly because I was sick and tired of the corruption and dysfunction in Albany and believed that our community deserves better. I refuse to accept that the status quo is good enough and decided to try to do something about it and that’s the message I tried to deliver tonight.”

Melissa Li, State Vice President for District 12 said, “I was really struck by Steve’s passion for the community and dedication to making Amherst a better place to live. I felt he embodied the FBLA values of service, education, and progress. He’s a great role model for all of the FBLA students in the area that aspire to become better leaders.”

Future Business Leaders of America is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) education association with a quarter million students preparing for careers in business and business-related fields.

Area students have the opportunity to become involved in FBLA’s leadership at the state level by running for state officer positions. Li noted that part of her motivation for asking Meyer to speak at the event was to inspire students to take part in the leadership and service aspects of FBLA.

Local FBLA chapters also participate in a “Program of Work” which consists of increasing their involvement in the community, developing business skills through internships, recruiting new members, and participating in local service projects.

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Man Infected with Ebola Misinformation Through Casual Contact With Cable News


CANTON, OH (The Borowitz Report)—An Ohio man has become infected with misinformation about the Ebola virus through casual contact with cable news, the Centers for Disease Control has confirmed.

Tracy Klugian, thirty-one, briefly came into contact with alarmist Ebola hearsay during a visit to the Akron-Canton airport, where a CNN report about Ebola was showing on one of the televisions in the airport bar. “Mr. Klugian is believed to have been exposed to cable news for no more than ten minutes, but long enough to become infected,” a spokesman for the C.D.C. said. “Within an hour, he was showing signs of believing that an Ebola outbreak in the United States was inevitable and unstoppable.”

Once Klugian’s condition was apparent, the Ohio man was rushed to a public library and given a seventh-grade biology textbook, at which point he “started to stabilize,” the spokesman said.

But others exposed to the widening epidemic of Ebola misinformation may not be so lucky. “A man in Oklahoma was exposed to Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Fox for over three minutes,” the C.D.C. spokesman said gravely. “We hope we’re not too late.”

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New York Mintue

A worker tends to cows as they rotate on an elevated platform at Alpina Foods Inc. dairy farm outside Batavia, N.Y. in 2013. This week, the plant announced 32 layoffs just as Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed a law declaring yogurt the state’s official snack.
No, the irony is not lost on any of us.  One of today’s headlines is “Yogurt plant lays off workers after ‘official snack’ declaration from state.”

As Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed a new law declaring yogurt the state’s official snack, a yogurt plant laid off 32 workers, shrinking its workforce below promises attached to tax incentives.

Yippeee!  Yogurt is our official state snack, and by the way, the yogurt plant is now laying off workers.  Do other states have an official snack too?  Who knew?


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League of Women Voters Candidate Meeting


Here is a link to the League of Women Voters Candidate Meeting in which citizens can hear from candidates for elective office.

Candidate Meeting:

Friday, October 24 – 9 a.m.
Amherst Senior Center, Audubon Parkway, Amherst

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Meyer Endorsed by Congressman Higgins

Steve Meyer

            Steve Meyer, candidate for state Assembly in the 146th district, has been endorsed by Congressman Brian Higgins.

“Steve Meyer is the right choice for Western New York and will be a strong partner in the fight to revitalize the economy and ensure a bright future for local communities,” Higgins said. “Steve will work hard every day to be your voice in the Assembly and get real results.”

“Congressman Higgins and I have the same priorities, and we each understand that hardworking families deserve a fair tax code and young people deserve better economic opportunities so they can continue to call Western New York home,” said Meyer.

Steve Meyer is running for state Assembly to give a voice to the families of Western New York and because he believes they deserve better than what they’re getting from their current elected officials in Albany. As part of his commitment to serving the interests of Western New York families over special interests, Meyer is refusing to accept contributions from corporations or their lobbyists, the only candidate in the race to do so.

Meyer’s priorities include bringing good-paying jobs to Western New York, tax cuts for working families, ethics reform and investing in education. He is also committed to making the Women’s Equality Act law, so that New York State can finally ensure that women receive equal pay for equal work.

Congressman Brian Higgins is a fifth term member of the United States House of Representatives serving New York’s 26th congressional district, which includes portions of Erie and Niagara counties.

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Some Fear Ebola Outbreak Could Make Nation Turn to Science


NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—There is a deep-seated fear among some Americans that an Ebola outbreak could make the country turn to science.

In interviews conducted across the nation, leading anti-science activists expressed their concern that the American people, wracked with anxiety over the possible spread of the virus, might desperately look to science to save the day.

“It’s a very human reaction,” said Harland Dorrinson, a prominent anti-science activist from Springfield, Missouri. “If you put them under enough stress, perfectly rational people will panic and start believing in science.”

Additionally, he worries about a “slippery slope” situation, “in which a belief in science leads to a belief in math, which in turn fosters a dangerous dependence on facts.”

At the end of the day, though, Dorrinson hopes that such a doomsday scenario will not come to pass. “Time and time again through history, Americans have been exposed to science and refused to accept it,” he said. “I pray that this time will be no different.”

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Comptroller Mychajliw Fails To Release Budget Report by October 15 Deadline

Poloncarz and seal

Erie County Charter Requires Comptroller to Submit Report on Major Revenue and Expenses Included in 2015 Budget                                                                                                                                     

ERIE COUNTY, NY— Despite having two weeks to do so, Erie County Comptroller Stefan Mychajliw failed to release his report on major revenue and expenses included in the 2015 Erie County Proposed Budget by the Erie County Charter mandated deadline of October 15, 2014. The tardy report was clocked in a day late at the Legislature this morning.

Specifically, Article 18, Section 1802 (o) of the Erie County Charter states: “On or before the 15th of October, review all revenue projections to be used in the proposed tentative budget prepared by the county executive and submit to the legislature in writing a report indicating whether or not the projections are suitable estimates for the ensuing year. Should the comptroller determine that the revenue projections are not suitable for the ensuing fiscal year, the legislature, upon notice from the comptroller may revise such projections downward upon a two-thirds majority vote. The legislature shall not revise such revenue projections upward.”

Erie County Executive Mark C. Poloncarz said, “It is disappointing that Comptroller Mychajliw chose to violate the County Charter by failing to issue his mandated report on the revenue and expenses included in my 2015 Proposed Budget on time, despite having two weeks to do so.  Instead of completing and issuing the report by yesterday’s deadline, as mandated by the Charter, he decided to hold a press conference to criticize my budget even though he had not actually seen the budget; and we know that because a representative of the Budget Office attempted to hand deliver the copies of the 2015 Proposed Budget to the Comptroller yesterday but was stopped by his office’s staff because he was holding his press conference. The point of the mandate requiring the Comptroller’s office to issue the report is to put an independent eye on the various projections included in the budget to be sure they are reasonable. In failing to issue his report on time, he has failed to be the taxpayers’ watchdog he claims to be.”

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