Perry Boosts Presidential Stature by Using Troops for No Reason

AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—An aide to Rick Perry is confident that the Texas Governor proved he “has what it takes to be President” with his decision on Monday to send troops somewhere for no reason.

By deploying a thousand National Guardsmen to the U.S.-Mexico border, Perry has shown that as President he would be “ready and willing” to use troops without a defined objective, mission, or exit strategy, the aide confirmed.

“Sending troops someplace with no clear idea of why they are going or what they are supposed to be doing once they get there is a key part of the Presidential skill set,” said the aide, Harland Dorrinson. “Rick Perry has just shown that he’s got that nailed down.”

Dorrinson acknowledged that the gold standard for using troops for no reason might have been set by Perry’s predecessor in Texas, George W. Bush, but added, “If anyone can beat that record, it’s Rick.”

According to the aide, Perry’s “extremely Presidential response” to the immigration crisis is already winning him the praise of G.O.P. voters. “Nothing unites Republicans more than standing up to children,” he said.

I think we should all thank Rick Perry for helping America win the war on small children. #hero

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East Amherst Girl is Set to Appear on TV Quiz Show


Ananya Nrusimha is a 16-year-old girl from East Amherst.  She has a firm handshake and looks people directly in the eye upon meeting them. Ananya is well-spoken and confident, yet humble. This would be enough to make the impressive, aside from her accomplishments.

Thursday evening, Ananya’s face will be seen in millions of living rooms as she begins her run on the “Jeopardy! Teen Tournament.”

Appearing on the show was the moment she has been waiting for since sixth grade, when she first started to apply to be on “Jeopardy! Kids Week.” As soon as she was old enough, she started taking the online test for the teen version.
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British Contest Seeks Buffalo Start-ups to Expand in the UK

Nick Astbury

Nick Astbury, British Deputy Consul-General of New York, talks about the contest seeking to get U.S. companies to expand in the U.K.

Great Britain thinks Western New York businesses have much to offer its economy, and it has launched a contest to lure some over.

During a recent visit to Buffalo, which included an afternoon with Mayor Byron W. Brown and an obligatory stop at Anchor Bar for wings, representatives from the British Consulate of New York had high praise for Buffalo and its burgeoning technology sector.

“What we’re all about is we’re looking for U.S. companies that have shown past growth, that have got a product or service that’s really innovative and looking to grow — not move — overseas for the first time,” Astbury said. “The idea very much is it’s companies growing instead of moving.”

Start-up companies can enter the competition under six categories: education, finance, health, Internet of things, lifestyle and media.

One winner will be chosen for each.
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Tuesday in the Park

Mark Weber Trio

Did you enjoy hearing the Mark Weber Trio at Glen Park last Tuesday or wished you could have been there?

This Tuesday, July 22, the Mark Weber Trio will be performing in Glen Park from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM as a part of the Seven Tuesdays in the Park concert series.

Remember to bring your own chairs to enjoy the show!

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If You Don’t Know GOD, Don’t Make Stupid Remarks!


Got this message from a friend and thought I’d pass it on to all of you.

A young Canadian paratrooper was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Association (CCLA).

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him clean off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The young soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, “What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The young soldier stood up and calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!


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Not One Well

Dear Friend:

It’s been a big summer so far in the anti-fracking movement. We’re using that momentum with a Call-In Week, starting today, to keep the pressure on Governor Cuomo for a statewide ban.

On June 30, the New York Court of Appeals upheld the rights of Dryden and Middlefield to ban fracking within their borders. This decision is so important because of the mounting evidence that fracking is dangerous to our health, food, land, water, climate, and air.

In fact, the proof is so voluminous that on July 10, Concerned Health Professionals of New York released a Compendium of Scientific, Medical and Media Findings Demonstrating Risks and Harms of Fracking, bringing together data on the many diverse problems fracking causes.

And, on July 14, the New York State Supreme Court dismissed two cases challenging New York State’s lengthy health and environmental analysis.

Now we need a statewide ban. The Dryden decision is positive, but we all know that fracking contaminants don’t stop at town borders, and neither should protections against them. One well anywhere in New York State is one too many.

Governor Cuomo has said that his decision on fracking will be based on the science. He has also said that he needs more information.

Let’s remind Governor Cuomo that we have the law and science on our side.

Call Cuomo this week to say: The science is in, not one well!

Phone number: 866.584.6799

Please tell your friends and organizations to join us too!

Together, we’re going to keep fracking out of New York.

Jessica and the NYAF Team

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Wegmans Recalls Nectarines, Plums and Peaches That May be Contaminated


Wegmans is recalling nectarines, plums and peaches that may be contaminated by listeria.

Wegmans said the organic and non-organic fruit in multiple varieties and sizes was supplied by Wawona Packaging Company of California.

The grocer said customers who purchased the recalled products between June 1 and July 20, 2014 should discard them at home and visit the service desk at one of its stores for a full refund which will be determined by the customer’s estimated count of product discarded.

Wegmans also announced it is recalling baked goods containing fruit supplied by Wawona.

Listeria is an organism which can cause serious and sometime fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people and individuals with weakened immune systems.

Another recent recall involved Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream, Chocolate Chocolate Chip, 14 fl oz.

The Recall Date: 06/28/2014


Best By date of 13 May 2015

UPC:7457008400 -

Nestle has recalled this product due to mismatched packaging. These mismatched packages actually contain Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream, but the ingredient statement on the carton applies to Chocolate Chocolate Chip ice cream and does not list peanuts. People with a peanut allergy or sensitivity should not consume this product.

All packages can be returned to the service desk for a full refund. 
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“Bitz” of Borowitz Wisdom

Andy Borowitz

Q: If a Russian missile is fired from a Russian launcher provided by Russia, who is responsible?

A: According to Putin, the correct answer is “Ukraine.”  Clearly, it’s Obama’s fault.

Putin’s response to the downed jet seems inspired by OJ’s promise to search for the real killers.

Question: where does Obama, who spends every waking hour golfing, find the time to cause all the world’s problems?

I hope that the 1.000 National Guardsmen Rick Perry sent to the border are prepared to defend themselves against unarmed children.

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Stephen Hawking’s Blunder on Black Holes Shows Danger of Listening to Scientists, Says Bachmann

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Stephen Hawking’s recent statement that the black holes he famously described do not actually exist underscores “the danger inherent in listening to scientists,” Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) said today.

Rep. Bachmann unleashed a blistering attack on Dr. Hawking, who earlier referred to his mistake on black holes as his “biggest blunder.”

“Actually, Dr. Hawking, our biggest blunder as a society was ever listening to people like you,” said Rep. Bachmann. “If black holes don’t exist, then other things you scientists have been trying to foist on us probably don’t either, like climate change and evolution.”

Rep. Bachmann added that all the students who were forced to learn about black holes in college should now sue Dr. Hawking for a full refund. “Fortunately for me, I did not take any science classes in college,” she said.

Bachmann’s anti-Hawking comments seemed to be gaining traction on Capitol Hill, as seen from the statement by Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), Chairman of the House Science Committee, who said, “Going forward, members of the House Science Committee will do our best to avoid listening to scientists.”

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Nation Apparently Believed in Science at Some Point


MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Historians studying archival photographs from four decades ago have come to the conclusion that the U.S. must have believed in science at some point.

According to the historian Davis Logsdon, who has been sifting through mounds of photographic evidence at the University of Minnesota, the nation apparently once held the view that investing in science and even math could yield accomplishments that would be a source of national pride.

While Logsdon has not developed a complete theory to explain the United States’ pro-science stance during that era, he attributes some of it to the liberal views of the President at that time, Richard M. Nixon.

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