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MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while standing in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner draped over the façade of his campaign headquarters, in Miami.
Speaking to his remaining staff members who were seated in a dozen folding chairs, Bush thanked them for the hard work that led to the triumphant completion of their mission.
“Our work is done,” Bush said. “Thanks to you, we have prevailed.”
While acknowledging that he took pride in the impressive success of his campaign, Bush stressed that victory did not belong to him alone. “This is a great day for America,” he said.
Upon the conclusion of his remarks, Bush bade farewell to his staffers with a military-style salute before stepping into a waiting helicopter and ascending to the skies.
Minutes after Bush flew away, however, reporters asked senior Bush staffers to define more clearly the mission that Bush had deemed accomplished.
“We feel really good about the work we did, our ground game, getting the word out about Jeb’s accomplishments as a conservative Governor in Florida,” said Bush’s campaign manager, Danny Diaz, who added, “Please, just leave me alone.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A disturbed Canadian man wants to try to get into the White House, according to reports.
The man, who was born in Calgary before drifting to Texas, has been spotted in Washington, D.C. in recent years exhibiting erratic behavior, sources said.
In 2013, he gained entry to the United States Senate and was heard quoting incoherently from a children’s book before he was finally subdued.
More recently, he was heard ranting about a plan to dismantle large components of the federal government, such as the Internal Revenue Service and the nation’s health-care program.
Despite a record of such bizarre episodes and unhinged utterances, observers expressed little concern about his plans to get into the White House, calling them “delusional.”
DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—In a jubilant speech on Monday night, Carly Fiorina celebrated what she called her “dominant first-place finish” in the all-important Iowa caucuses.
Speaking to supporters at the Des Moines Marriott, Fiorina taunted the media for counting her out of the race. “No one gave me a chance, and here I am tonight, with ninety per cent of the vote!” she roared.
Growing emotional, Fiorina said that her victory in the Iowa caucuses was the greatest moment in her life since she “built Hewlett-Packard into the most successful computer company of all time.”
She also thanked the “countless” former Hewlett-Packard employees who stumped for her in Iowa. “The relentless love and support the Hewlett-Packard crew has shown to me just blows me away,” she said.
Fiorina said that she is looking forward to the next contest, in New Hampshire, where she said she has already raised a campaign war chest of three trillion dollars.
EVENTS THIS WEEK:
- TUESDAY, January 26, MEETING: Sierra Club Niagara Group, 7:00pm-9:00pm, Duns Scotus Hall (Rm.227 – Check hall posting for Rm. change), Daemen College, Amherst; All are welcome [LINK]
- WEDNESDAY, January 27, GATHERING: Interfaith Climate Justice Community, 7:00pm, St. Joseph University Parish, Main St. (next to UB South Campus), Buffalo [LINK]
- MONDAY, February 1, TALK: Carbon Tax! By Ron Scott of the Citizens Climate Lobby. Sponsored by Sierra Club Climate and Clean Energy Writers Group. 6:00-7:30 PM, Unitarian Universalist Church (2nd floor), 695 Elmwood at Ferry, Buffalo [LINK]
written by James Tricoli, Amhersttimes.com
In the Saturday morning, January 30th edition of The Buffalo News, in the City & Region section, there is a story of corrupt people on the Erie Community College Trustees Board. There are some people in this group who do little or nothing but sit and wait for a change to rip off public money.
These losers should be removed from the Board. Leaders of this group break rule after rule concerning lax oversight and lack of transparency, which means money flows to the wrong projects but the right politicians and business people. They are accused of making back room deals the public knows nothing about, and you can bet your last tax dollar it isn’t being used to help students.
This group only regard their personal pocketbooks and there do-nothing job. Check out the trips and vacations some of these Trustees take. What dumbass reasons they offer for going on these vacation to areas which in no way can helps ECC.
Nobody is watching the people who are handling the money and their final black mark is their reputation will be tarnished forever.
The next Town Board meeting is Feb. 8th at 7:00 p.m. in Town Hall on Main St. This will be the only Board meeting in February.
There will be a work session at 4:00 p.m.
Vidler’s 5&10 in East Aurora won’t get to shine during the Super Bowl.
Death Wish Coffee Co. in Roundlake, N.Y., won the free 30-second commercial worth an estimated $4.5 million.
Vidler’s was one of three finalists in Intuit Quickbooks’ annual Small Business, Big Game contest. The other finalist was Chubbies Shorts, a California-based clothing company,
The announcement was made Thursday morning on CBS This Morning.
They didn’t walk away empty handed, they only missed out on being seen on a national ad.
Amherst police are alerting the community that a 14-year-old girl reportedly was approached by a man Thursday afternoon in the Burroughs Drive area of Snyder.
The man attempted to coax the girl into his car. He was driving a dark blue mid-sized car.
Dr. Albert R. Cowie, an Amherst doctor will be the second doctor to appear in Buffalo Federal court for writing fraudulent prescriptions for painkillers and health care fraud.
Dr. Cowie is a recovering drug addict facing nearly 3 years in prison.