Borowitz’s “Bitz” of Humor

Andy Borowitz

The behavior of the Tea Party congressmen is the most glaring indictment of our nation’s failure to teach math.

Call me an optimist, but I believe our government will come up with a totally unsatisfactory solution to a completely unnecessary crisis.

As the Republicans go from Abraham Lincoln to Teddy Roosevelt to Ted Cruz, it’s no wonder they don’t believe in evolution.

Ted Cruz: Healthcare Exchanges Offering Affordable Rates to Trick People Into Liking Obamacare

BREAKING: Congress Hoping to Find Unsatisfactory Solution to Unnecessary Crisis

capitalbuildingSearch for Missing Adults Enters Third Week

World Demands to Know How Its Fate Could Possibly Depend Upon This Guy
Photo: World Demands to Know How Its Fate Could Possibly Depend Upon This Guy

Just bought health insurance online. For some weird reason, the country was not destroyed. Anyone else have this problem?

I’m embarrassed to disclose that I have a bias regarding Obamacare. My bias is based on these two facts:

1) In New York, it took me less than 30 minutes to sign up online.

2) I am saving fifty percent over my previous rates.

I deeply apologize for not disclosing this conflict of interest earlier.

BREAKING: NRA Defends GOP’s Right to Use Metaphorical Gun

I wonder if at the end of the day Boehner goes home and says to himself, “You’re doing an awesome job.”

Boehner: “The time has come to end this crisis so we can start planning the next one.”

WASHINGTON – After a poll showed 50% of Americans blame Republicans for the shutdown and 30% blame Obama, Rep. Michele Bachmann said, “That means we’re winning by 20 percent.”

If we default on our debt Miley Cyrus will no longer be the most embarrassing thing about America.

Say what you will about America, it’s a place where any child, if he’s stupid enough, can grow up to wreck the world economy.

WASHINGTON – In a hardening of his position, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said today that not only is he opposing the Affordable Care Act, “I am also refusing to ever read it.”

I would like to apologize for my previous post. It contained facts, and that offended a lot of people on Facebook. It won’t happen again.

Michele Bachmann: “My Health Plan is Rapture.”

In a demonstration of their concern for the impending global financial catastrophe, the House of Representatives is taking the day off.

Comments off

Good Government Club of Western New York Board Endorsed Howard Cadmus For The Amherst Town Board

Howard Cadmus3
Thank you Good Government Club of Western New York for your endorsement of my candidacy for Amherst Town Board!  When I received the letter in the mail it was like waiting for law school admission letters all over again.
Howard Cadmus

Comments (3)

Engineer Accused of Stealing Secrets From Amherst Firm

ManInHandcuffs

Yi Liu, 10, a former engineer at Sprung-brett RDI Inc. in Amherst, was arrested Thursday on a warrant obtained by the FBI’s Buffalo office.

Li allegedly stole trade secrets from an Amherst company involved in the production of motors for nuclear submarines and fighter jets.  He was arrested in Lexington County, S.C.

The engineer was accused of stealing a laptop with thousands of documents and some of them pertained to the motor, authorities said.

The material could have assisted other companies and resulted in a higher paying position for Liu who left the Amherst company more than 2 years ago.  He had worked mostly from his home in Ontario.

Comments off

POLL: Americans Divided Over What Willd Animal They Would Like To See Congress Mauled By

POSTED BY 

borowitz-grizzly-bear-290.jpgWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the partial government shutdown grinds on into its twelfth day, Americans remain deeply divided over what kind of wild animal they would most like to see Congress mauled by, according to a new poll released today.

While a majority of Americans say they would enjoy seeing Congress torn limb from limb by a ferocious bear, there is disagreement over which species of bear would be best suited for that assignment.

When asked, “What kind of bear would do the best job of savaging Congress with its fearsome paws?,” Americans gave grizzly bears the highest job-approval rating, followed by polar bears, and by black bears in a distant third.

But the poll showed that there was also strong support for the idea of Congress being set upon by a pack of rapacious animals, with rabid hyenas the first choice of many respondents, followed by feral dogs and cats.

While insatiable, bloodthirsty mammals were most often cited as the animals Americans would like to see eviscerate Congress, there was significant support for another scenario, involving Congress being consumed by a swarm of predatory insects.

Fifteen per cent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “Being torn limb from limb by a grizzly bear or devoured by a pack of rabid hyenas is too good for these people. They should be eaten, very slowly, by a colony of hungry fire ants. Yes, that’s it—fire ants. That would be amazing.”

Comments off

Dick Dobson Endorsed Candidate For Erie County Sheriff

DICK Dobson

With only four weeks left we are reaching out to everyone for their help. As many of you already know, campaigns are a constant effort,especially for a county wide campaign. The two major needs of the campaign are Volunteers and Fundraising.

1. VOLUNTEER - every day   10am – 8pm

  •                CANVASSING – going door to door to targeted Prime Voters – we provide
  •                PHONE BANKING – calling targeted prime voters
2. UPCOMING FUNDRAISERS 

  •                 OCTOBER 10TH THURSDAY   6P-8P   NIGHT CAPPE  1769 Abbott Road Lackawanny, NY 14169      $25PP/$100 SPONSOR / $150 EVENT SPONSOR
  •                 OCTOBER 12TH SATURDAY   6P-8P   HOSTED BY MS. VINCENNE LUCCI  6235 LAKE AVE  ORCHARD PARK  $50PP/$500 SPONSORSHIP
  •                 OCTOBER 14TH MONDAY      6P-8P   HOSTED BY DAWN LORENZO  American Legion Milton J. Brounshidle VFW Post 205 3354 DELAWARE AVENUE KENMORE

3. PARADE HELP NEEDED 

  • SUNDAY OCTOBER 13TH   LAST PARADE OF THE CAMPAIGN SEASON
    MEET US AT HERTEL AND VIRGIL AND GET READY TO START 1PM  HELP US HAND OUT CANDY AND PALM CARDS

Comments off

Trader Joe’s Officially Opens In Amherst

Trader Joe's Opening

Assistant Supervisor Guy Marlette and Supervisor Barry Weinstein were among the dignitaries at the opening of Trader Joe’s on Niagara Falls Blvd. this morning.

Several Amherst politicians proudly took part in a ribbon cutting ceremony to herald the new Trader Joe’s in Amherst today. Located on Niagara Falls Blvd., Trader Joe’s will not only provide residents with healthy, organically-grown foods, but usher in scores of new jobs to the area as well.

Assemblyman Ray Walter (R,C,I-Amherst) said, “Trader Joe’s is synonymous with quality goods and services and is a truly great addition to Amherst.”

“In addition, their arrival will create new jobs and opportunities for our community. It was truly a pleasure to take part in their ribbon cutting today and I look forward to having their presence in Amherst for years to come.”

Comments off

Ice Cream Shop May Open In Williamsville Water Mill

sweet-jennys-ice-cream

The article in the Amherst Bee this week about Howard and Tara Cadmus submitting a proposal to the Village of Williamsville to relocate their sweet shop to the 1811 mill at 56 E. Spring Street along the banks of Ellicott Creek, was a bit misleading.  The Buffalo News had a clearer picture of the issue.

Indeed they are proposing a lease-purchase agreement and say they could move into the mill within weeks, jump-starting even bigger plans for the village.  Iskalo Development Corp. has nothing to do with their proposal.

Williamsville wants to make Spring Street a village square – sidewalks, plantings, small shops – with the old mill serving as the anchor.

While village officials don’t want to walk away from an $8 million project proposed by an established developer, it also can’t ignore an attractive offer from a popular local business.

Williamsville Mayor Brian J. Kulpa still hopes both scenarios could happen, but if they can’t, he’ll put the question to villagers.
Read more…

Comments off

Erie County Fair To Restore 1883 Poster For 175th Anniversary

Pastoral life is depicted on an 1883 advertisement that will get a second run.

Pastoral life is depicted on an 1883 advertisement that will get a second run.

Erie County Fair to restore 1883 poster as a reminder of unchanging values

The Hamburg fair announced Thursday that it would celebrate its 175th anniversary next summer by restoring and exhibiting a colorful 3½-by-5½-foot poster.

A lot has changed in the world over the past 130 years, but small farms have remained a constant.

That truth comes home at a glance when looking at an 1883 poster that advertised the Erie County Fair by depicting the pastoral farm life of rural America.
Read more…

Comments off

Hostage-Takers Call Comparisons To Tea Party “Hurtful”

POSTED BY 

white-house-boro.jpgWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A group representing America’s hostage-takers today blasted President Obama for his repeated comparisons between them and the Tea Party Republicans, calling his remarks “degrading and hurtful.”

The complaint came from the National Alliance of Hostage-Takers and Blackmailers, a watchdog group that monitors negative images of extortionists in the media.

“As professional hostage-takers, we never take hostages unless we have a well-thought-out plan, realistic demands, and a clear exit strategy,” read the group’s official statement. “Any comparison between what we do and these inane Tea Party antics are derogatory and unacceptable.”

The statement continued, “For years, our members have been subjected to offensive Hollywood stereotypes of hostage-takers as crazed madmen, cackling evildoers, and worse. The President’s hurtful remarks only reinforce those negative images.”

Later in the day, White House press spokesman Jay Carney offered an apology to the group: “As you can imagine, in the heat of a crisis we often say things we don’t mean. The President regrets any hurt his remarks may have caused.”

Mr. Carney said that in order to avoid offending other groups in the future, the President would resist the temptation to call the Tea Party Republicans terrorists, lunatics, or babies.

Comments off

Andy’s Been On A Roll!

Andy Borowitz

 

Other countries take care of their mentally ill. It’s cruel that we make them work in government.

Congress has wasted two weeks on a totally unnecessary crisis of its own creation. It’s a good thing our schools and roads are in great shape or I’d be mad.

There are people in Congress I would not trust to look after my plants.

Boehner: “The time has come to end this crisis so we can start planning the next one.”

I wonder if at the end of the day Boehner goes home and says to himself, “You’re doing an awesome job.”

A sign that the GOP is officially Crazytown: Paul Ryan is now a voice of reason.

This debt ceiling deal is like the person you desperately pick up when it’s closing time at a bar. (To use an analogy Boehner will understand.)

BREAKING: NRA Defends GOP’s Right to Use Metaphorical Gun

Comments off