Kavanaugh Disappointed to Discover Supreme Court Has No Happy Hour

Oct. 10, 2018

Satire from The Borowitz Report

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a setback for the newest Associate Justice on his first day at work, Brett Kavanaugh said on Tuesday that he was “very disappointed” to learn that the Supreme Court does not have a happy hour.

Kavanaugh told reporters that he made the horrifying discovery as the clock ticked down to 5 p.m. and “everyone was still in their offices working and stuff.”

“I mean, I couldn’t believe it,” Kavanaugh said. “I had been busting my tail for six hours, and I needed to blow off some steam.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the member of the Court who delivered the bad news to Kavanaugh. “When she told me, I guess I started crying a bit, which I now regret,” he said. “She just kind of closed her office door and went back to work or whatever.”

Kavanaugh’s unpleasant discovery that the Supreme Court has “absolutely no drink specials” has left him wondering if his bruising confirmation battle “was even worth it.”

“This place blows,” he said.

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