Merkel Asks Mueller If There’s Anything She Can Do to Help

July 12, 2018

Satire from The Borowitz Report

BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report)—The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, took a break from the nato summit in Brussels on Wednesday to ask the independent counsel, Robert Mueller, if there is anything she can do to help.

According to those familiar with the phone conversation, Merkel told Mueller that she would take a leave of absence as leader of the German government and move to Washington to work full-time for Mueller “if that would be of assistance.”

Touting her credentials, Merkel told Mueller that she was fluent in Russian and could be helpful in translating the thousands of Russian-language documents that the special counsel has in his collection of evidence.

“I will work for free and pay my for my own food,” Merkel said. “I just want to make this stop.”

Mueller reportedly thanked Merkel for her offer but told her he had to wrap up their conversation because he had “Emmanuel Macron on the other line.”

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