Republicans Outspent Democrats in Ohio by a Hundred Million Rubles

Aug. 8, 2018
Satire from The Borowitz ReportCOLUMBUS, Ohio (The Borowitz Report)—With Tuesday’s special election in Ohio still too close to call, Republican officials in the state acknowledged that they outspent Democrats to the tune of a hundred million rubles.

Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the Ohio Republican Party, told reporters on Wednesday that if the G.O.P. ekes out a win, it will have been worth all of the Russian currency the Party threw at the race.

“You can talk ground game all you want, but, at the end of the day, you can’t buy TV and radio ads without rubles,” he said.

Dorrinson credited the Republican congressional-campaign committee for what he called a “highly successful ruble-raising effort.”

“We were on the phone to oligarchs in our shadowy Kremlin-affiliated donor network up to the last minute,” he said. “Hopefully, it paid off.”

While Ohio Republicans are crossing their fingers that the final election results are in their favor, Dorrinson recognizes that their work is far from over. “We’re going to have a rematch in this district in November, and we don’t want to be caught a day late and a ruble short,” he said.

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