Dangerscopes are Horoscopes with a gambling edge!Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
Beware of: Sheila, confetti, fake eyelashes, broken glass, and easels
Not having such a great start to 2008 has made you feel insensitive to the needs of others. Take it out on the slots because you need some alone time to get your head together. You won’t win much but it will be like therapy for you. The full moon on February 2nd will have a romantic effect on you so get with your sweetheart and create some heat. Also, please get a pedicure before March you’re cutting the sheets with those rough feet and long toenails of yours.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
Beware of: Charles, Raid, edible panties, glass cleaner, and cobwebs
I advised you to beware of Nair but you’re a risk taker and now you know you have an allergy to the product. Try laser hair removal instead. It will cost you more, but you won’t have to cake on makeup to hide unsightly blotches. Barack Obama who is also a Leo has been on your mind a lot lately, so I want you to take big risks and play craps. It will help pay off that expensive electric bill.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
Beware of: Cornell, snow, shag carpet, crab legs, and baby powder
2008 has been good to you so far and your joyful side has been dominating your on edge side. If you want it to last longer do not bother with slots try a lil’ Blackjack to hit the jackpot. Texas Hold’em has been your game, but you spent way too much on Christmas gifts and neglected to pay bills. Go ahead and get that tattoo of a horse, after all you’re a stallion.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
Beware of: Chad, roses, scented soap, crayons, and cooking oil
Sorry you had a horrible experience with hair weave over the holidays. Keep it real from here on out! The new moon on January 19th is a good day for you to try a game of Spanish 21. If you’re a chef a promotion is on the way and I would even consider opening your own restaurant you definitely have the discipline and work ethic to get the job done.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
Beware of: Cathy, popsicles, lizards, leaky faucets, and tea
I told you Robin would be a pain in the butt and that’s because their sign is Aries. Stay away from Aries at all costs they’re not compatible. Plan a trip to Greece this year, but play Four Card Poker to win the plane ticket money. Amy Winehouse is also a Virgo and girlfriend is not a role model, lay off the hard stuff or your winnings will be paying for rehab.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
Beware of: Ariel, candy canes, mice, ribbons, and headbands
Sorry your car got stuck in the mud, but if you had bought new tires that would not have been a problem. Win new tire money by playing the Roulette Wheel. Your cold is dominating you please take it easy and laugh more often. Have your knee checked out you love to dance and people love to watch. If your knee goes out everyone loses.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21)
Beware of: Pepe, red wine, leather gloves, ribbed condoms, and lint brushes
I only have one piece of advice for you, play slots and then play more slots. This is a very lucky time for you. Find a machine that is dominated with the colors yellow, orange, or red and go wild. A nearby Cancer will be scoping out your machine. Never fear Cancer will lose big on your machine within 3 minutes, so let them have it and have a good laugh.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22)
Beware of: Robert, toy light sabers, pickles, steel rods, and pork chops
I warned you about Barry and it was Mr. Manilow. You’re not a Fanilow so I’m not quite sure why you bought his Christmas CD. You still have the receipt get your money back. The New Moon on February 17th is a good day to get your gamble on by playing Texas Hold’em. You hate drama and there will be plenty of it during the game. Walk away and come back later when the Cancer at the table starts trouble.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
Beware of: Mr. Davis, green beans, power cords, Lysol, and chicken bones
If your birthday is January 25th you will have the most luck out of any other Aquarius. One thing, don’t gamble on your birthday. If you already planned to gamble with friends that day, cancel it. Dick Chaney is an Aquarius as well, but he is nothing like you so stop feeling emotionally connected to him.
Scorpio (10/23 -11/21)
Beware of: Dana, rotting meat, bed sheets, knee high boots, and cradles
You’re in self destructive mode. Didn’t you learn to properly tie your shoes as a child? Don’t be in such a hurry next time and you won’t bust your knee open because you tripped over a shoe lace. Your insurance sucks and that trip to the emergency room was not fully covered. Play two card poker to win a few bucks and leave immediately I sense someone accidentally bumping your knee and your will not be able to hold your temper back.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
Beware of: Dilbert, fireplaces, flutes, smoking pipes, and railroad tracks
The moon is in the favor of all Pisces at the start of the New Year, so trust your instincts and play any game in the casino you see fit because you can’t lose. Plan a trip to Tibet or Baja, California and have an adventure of a lifetime. You hate noisy scenes and displays so if you run into any and start to feel distracted walk the other way. Buy an amethyst for good luck on your travels.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22)
Beware of: Darryl, coffee, Barbie dolls, fake jewelry, and pepper
You’re causing much trouble for Libra and Gemini, wasup with that? Mind your own business and stop being so crabby. You have a new, less stressful job, but you need a new sweetheart or a vacation near water to get your act together. Because of this behavior I advise you not to go to the casino, but of course you won’t listen.